A Tale of Two Cities

It’s like courting two guys at the same time. When you’re with one, you miss the other. Never really belonging to either, yet a part of both.

For four years now, I’ve been flitting between two cities Hyderabad and Bangalore. Two darling cities, but can’t really settle down in either. I love them both, but can’t make up my mind as to where I’d live.

Today while it was raining, the rustic smell made me think that Hyderabadi monsoon is like a long-lost love. It’s like romance with a hint of sorrow. And the rain of Bangalore, well it’s like the start of courtship – young, carefree and exciting.

One city has been the rock around which I built my life. Made me what I am, and told me who I was and what I wanted to be. The other unraveled all I had learnt. Showed me what life really was, and what I really was not.

I change between two completely different personalities when I travel between them, and yet both sides of me are special to me. One I respect, other I cheer for.

I wonder when this will end, and I wonder who I shall be.

Chaos management..

The antidote to chaos – is order.

Over a period of time life gets cluttered. Rather, your brain does. Memories, feelings, dreams, pieces of broken dreams, fantasies - these get accumulated slowly. So much so that u might feel stifled, and there’s no place for new hopes and dreams. Then you stop. There’s a kind of a pause in life. It hangs in suspension. N u hang in it, having coke (cola) and swinging your legs, watching the world go by. Slowly however, you realize the purposeless-ness of your existence and you go berserk at one particular point of time. That’s when you need a psychiatrist. Go ahead and get one. I kind of feel it must be a lot of fun. To talk endlessly to a person, telling him (in my head, it’s always a ‘him’ – a really handsome ‘him’) anything and everything. He has no option except to listen, and listen attentively. coz you’re paying him. Pay someone to make them listen to you. Now that’s an idea… ..

I’m not talking of serious mental ailments here. They require medication and all. No no.. I’m talking about random nonsensical turbulence which occurs in the minds of random people like me. The above mentioned crisis happened to me some months ago, n is still kinda going on. Well not so much right now. Guess I’m cured. Yes it was a crisis, coz it made me put on a lott of weight. I know of a certain female who actually loses weight when she’s upset/depressed!! Hate her. But I digress. So this condition took a major toll on my life. Naah, it wasn’t sad or something, I can’t be sad for a long time. I just went into this shell with a truck-load of inertia. I ate, wasted time and made merry and bugged everyone who was close to me.

But there were snatches of time where I felt useless. It angered me that I was wasting my potential in mindless pursuits. Yet I couldn’t come out of it. So I asked my dad to get me a psychiatrist, and he laughed it off. I couldn’t afford one by myself, so I turned to my friends and turned them into kinda shrinks (funny word, that). I talked to them. Endlessly. Poured out all my shitty troubles. And they, bless their souls, endured it. Well not all of them, but whatever..

I guess somewhere deep down my mind realized I was desperately trying to get out of it, and in one Eureka moment, it threw the solution at me. (it did take its own sweet time to do so, mind you)

“The antidote to chaos is order.”

(I’ve finally gorwn up enough to make up cool quotations. Hmm..)

Routine. That’s the mantra. No I’m not talking about becoming a timetable of sorts (remember Dil Chahta Hai? ). Routines are boring, yes I know. But in circumstances like these, they save lives. I have made little routines that I have decided to religiously follow. Not planning my entire day, but having a set of things, important things, that I will do every single day, no matter what happens. There’s order now. And discipline.

This little change has brought so much of improvement. I feel better about myself. I’ve come out of the mental rut, I don’t hate my work anymore, I’m not lazy, I’ve got that teeny bit of discipline I so badly needed. And the best part was when I stepped onto those weighing scales.. tra la laa moment.

So get your own routine. Make up your own everyday to-do list. Stick to it. Your mind will resist, you have to fight it. Give it a lil help by rewarding it and also by not making the routine too boring. It’s fun to have a thing you do regularly. Your own thing. It helps.

rise and shine..

It’s immensely gratifying when you wake up and look out of the window and find a Gulmohar tree in all its fiery splendour. The tree in its full bloom is a riot of color. My eyes opened wide to drink in the beauty and a cool breeze put a big smile on my face. Seriously, waking up early is a wonderful gift I give myself.

During those calm leisurely hours, everything is pleasant. No matter what is happening with my life, no matter what kind of people are there in it, the world is still beautiful. In that I find my peace. And my strength. Every thought I have at that time, is as serene as a prayer and as bright as sunshine. The little walk I have under the canopy of lush green trees, is a little therapeutic session gently erasing bits of unwanted past, and readying me for a fresh new day.

And when the day starts on such a good note, it’s bound to be good! 

evening..

The frenzy of the fluttering leaves, steps of stone cut into a bed of grass, an empty whisky bottle lying carelessly in the bushes.. the incessant cooing of the koel making me wonder what it was craving so..myriad calls of strange birds, clouds strewn across a sky in various hues of blue.. Dense green foliage around, with sudden bursts of colourful blossoms punctuating the green.

A new place, new surroundings. This was the scene I was enjoying in the balcony when she interrupted the perfect moment - but the cup of chai she brought for me, made the evening more perfect.

talk it out..

Just sitting and talking to someone can make such a difference. Especially when they have faced, or are facing the same situation as you. Talking about the possible solutions feels as if the problem is already being solved. The utter hopelessness reduces and u feel like it is ok .. even though the reality may be far from the truth.

It’s always good to talk it out with people who matter. (But before you do that, make sure you matter to that person too. Otherwise you are setting yourself up for some really shitty stuff.) There’s always someone, or some people who’ll want to listen to you, no matter how crappy, or how repetitive your problems might be. They’ll listen not as an obligation, but because they really care about what you’re going through. Figure out who those person/ people are in your life, and when you do, cherish them. They are very special, and bask in the glory of the awareness that they are there for you, even when life is not so good.

Having people who care, might not solve any problems and might not be a quick-fix in anyway, but it definitely makes life a lot better. Makes you stronger to go face a problem or tackle a challenge.

You’re more willing to try and scale that wall, when you know there’s a cushion to fall back on.. Just In Case.

PS : some cushions are subject to wear and tear.. or might just decide to get up and walk out. Beware. It Hurts! in the wrong places when u fall without looking back.

Stranger..

Talking to myself I was,
On a cold dark night
There was silence
And no one in sight

Someone was watching me
I realized with a start.
To that benign visitor
I poured out my heart

Unspeakable dreams I had
and lay awake in fright
I relived them with this stranger
On the cold winter night

Comforted by him I drifted
In and out of sleep
The swishing wind sometimes
Breaking the silence deep

The leaves rustled softly
To the wind’s tune
They were laughing at me
For I’d been talking to the moon

Here we go again ..

Remember the scene from the movie ‘The Mummy’ where Brendan Fraser ( the love of my life when I was at school) says with considerable dread “Here we go again” when they reach Hamunaptra, the city of the dead?? I felt the same when I reached the dentist’s clinic. The place of pain, screams and sharp instruments that poke around in your mouth. I went in, and the receptionist showed me in aftr a torturous wait of half an hr. I walked in, and was shocked. The girl who used to assist the dentist, had now been promoted and was the dentist now. And her inexperience showed. I went coz a small piece of my tooth had chipped off, and there was a definite hole. I told her to fill it up. It took her around ten minutes to find it. And meanwhile she was trying to convince me that there was no cavity. Finally, she saw that and said “ it’s so tiny and in an inaccessible place. Let’s leave it.. won’t matter”. Now, after undergoing THREE root-canal surgeries, and having gotten 2 cavities filled, I am kind of a dental expert. I have this calcium deficiency thing and this causes dental probs on a frequent basis. Brushing twice a day, rinsing everytime I eat and all that doesn’t help. I’m doomed. I said “fill it up.. it will become a problem later on”. Now ppl, remember- Never ever ignore a cavity, whatever a stupid inexperienced dentist might say. Get it filled up. I went to the dreaded chair, and got into position – jaws open wide, as if in a silent scream. The actual screams would follow. Experienced dentists would know that it isn’t easy for people to sit still and open their mouths, when you are holding such sharp instruments. We get scared, we close out mouths. Of course. The drill comes near, and the mouth closes. Normally dentists expect that. The ones who treat me, always schedule the session with buffer time. This lady one was new. Started getting frustu. That didn’t help. The more agitated she got, the more scared I was. After an agonizing quarter hour, it was done, and I stopped praying and was about to get off, when she said, it’s been 6 months since you came, so get scaling done. It won’t hurt, she promised. “yea right!” she started, and I spat blood three times! She kept cutting my gums. When I complained, she came up with the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. “There’s bad blood in gums. It’s better if it comes out”. I wanted to ask her, “do you deliberately cut your gums every month to get the “bad blood” out?” And for heaven’s sake, use the damn suction and don’t make me sit up and spit every 10 seconds. I know I look like a person who could use a few ab-crunches, but this is neither the place, nor the time. Some pray for riches, others pray for love, but I? I pray for dental health. Amen.