random

Vacuum: the place where emotions cease, ambition fades and dreams evaporate. Mind goes absolutely blank, nothing ever matters.
It happens when you can’t go forward on the path you’ve chosen for yourself. Your confidence shatters and you steps falter. And just before you fall, your brain commands you to stop. And your existence is suspended in the emptiness of the heart.

It’s not sorrow, nor depression on any sort… it’s just vacuum.

Human divinity

How can one person influence thousands of minds? Not for a day or a week, but enough to make crowds of people to devote their entire lives for a particular cause? Such astounding power can only be attributed to something divine.

For ages man had been in the quest to find the philosopher’s stone, the magical element which can turn metal into gold. Well, there walked among us for 86 years, a living manifestation of the philosopher’s stone- the man who could turn a normal heart into a heart of gold, a heart full of compassion and care. While some people were engaged in useless debates regarding his “miracles”, others recognized his greatest miracle- transforming people- into better human beings, who contributed to the betterment of mankind, through devotion, discipline and service.

The extra-ordinary nature of life he lived can be witnessed in the tears millions worldwide were shedding after he ceased to be. Even I, who was a skeptic until very recently, was deeply disturbed by the news. It’s not everyday that such a great soul visits this earth.

Hopefully, we all can imbibe a little of his preaching and message, and, in our little ways, help the world. Start living a clean, good life. Strive each day to become a better human being.

Klock.....tok- klock.......tok

How wide is the line which separates a fashionista from a geek? Are there any gaps in the line? Does that explain the set of us, who keep dancing on either side of it, from here to there?

I don’t wear make-up. Never get my hair “done” before going somewhere, except for that one disaster which left me looking like I was wearing a bad wig pasted flat across my scalp( in stark contrast to my wild messy tresses). I’ve been too lazy to bother about things like fashion and style.

However, things started changing sumwhere sometime. I started noticing the hot apparel, the gorgeous handbags, and the extra-ordinary hair-dos, when the exquisite creatures go klock-tok klock-tok in the malls. I started spending time ogling at the L’Oreal and Lakme stalls.Yea, been through these phases before. Random lipsticks and glosses and others shiny things bear testimony to this, lying discarded in my room, collecting dust, waiting for their inevitable destiny- the bin. And stilettos?, well.. my feet punish me cruelly if I ever dare to encase them in any sexy/beautiful high-heeled contraptions.

I was pulled into this mood again yesterday as I strolled around in a mall, waiting for a friend with whom I was to watch a movie. She was late by 45 mins, and while rambling, that sweet voice of shopping beckoned me again. But before the L’oreals or Pantaloons could lure me, a stronger voice called. If the former calls was pleasing, the latter one was a magnetic pull. Crossword… the magical land of books, the most delightful things on this planet.

And thus I went inside, wide-eyed, mesmerized and totally hooked.

Almost 40 mins later I left the place, carrying a bagful of books, which would not transform me from a bespectacled, plain-jane into a klock-tok fashionista, but would give me hours of happiness and escape into delightful little worlds.

Yes.. I’m a geek. Certified.

to 'B' or not to 'B'

There’s a thin line between right and wrong. Sometimes, we over-step it, cross over to the wrong side and then, very conveniently erase the line and draw it over again.

Your mind gets conditioned into believing certain things as you grow up. The family you’ve grown up with, the friends you ‘ve hung out with and the environment you’ve experienced around you shapes your mind. Sometimes, these may be bloody contradictory and that’s where YOU get confused.

You’re from a family where drinking is a huge sin, and then almost everybody in your friend circle does. You pick up the glass n stare it.. grin at your friends and put it down.

Next time, they coax you into having a sip.. you do.. then it feels ok. You go back home and freak out.. “What have I done!!?” you call up a friend who belongs to this side of the line (the non-drinkers) and they push you deeper into the guilt stream. “ you had alcohol!!.. I don’t know who u are, anymore!”

You stay away frm alcohol for a long, long time. Meanwhile, you see life on the other side, people going high, having “oh so much FUN!!” boozing. Again the pendulum swings between “ no way! I’ll never touch it” to “what the hell.. it might be fun”

You hit a disturbing period in your life, where nothing, absolutely nothing is going your way.. and one day you hit the pub with your closest friends whom you trust more than anything and happily swig vodka and dance your head off… but this time when you get home, you are wiser and call another friend, one who thinks drinking is every human being’s birthright… and go to sleep with a smile.. yes.. I’ve done it!!.

But then again … a glance at someone from the other side.. Confusion continues…. ‘it’s ok.. no it’s not… what’s the big deal.. it’s against your character!!”

Is this what they mean when they say.. “Identity crisis??!!?”

One day you wake up thinking it’s just another normal day. You’ll wake up, work, shirk some work and go to bed. Yet another uneventful day in an uneventful-so-far life. But well, not to be. This day shatters your dreams, make you feel utterly thoroughly useless, snatches away your happiness, scares you, threatens you , and disgusts you. The you start wondering if there’s something really bad about you and if that is the reason all these bad things happen.
Your mind and soul keep getting wrecked over n over again , until you begin to wonder if you will heal enough to dream again. You know that talking about this is not going to help in anyway, and you continue to plaster that fake brave smile on your face and behave as if nothing is wrong; as if you are not dying inside. The darkness is terrifying and you slowly feel yourself getting lost in it.

Then suddenly, call it divine intervention, or just the way you are made, you snap.

Snap completely. It stops hurting so bad. You are actually able to smile, the scream of anguish inside your head stops and you don’t need to make an effort to breathe. The fact that no one else is going to help you, inexplicably makes you tap the courage inside your heart which you never knew existed, and you know that you will help yourself. That you are brave enough to do so and smart enough to know how to. You change your current environment and the morose, toxic energy that was surrounding you dissolves and is replaced by positivity and hope. New ambition replaces the pieces of shattered dreams, and you backtrack your steps away from the dead-end and seek a new path which will eventually lead you to your destiny which lies in wait for your footsteps.

fever, a cup of coffee and a book

I didn't know being alone can be so bad. Wasn't feeling well today, so took a day off from office and stayed back. Morning was good. My awesome roomie Tina took real good take care of me, fixed breakfast for me, and got me a hard disk full of movies from a neighbour, who's also a really good friend.

Ate, watched movies, had a nice long nap.. I was pretty content till afternoon. And then it began..

you see, I'm not programmed to be alone. I freak out if I'm alone for more than a couple of hours. I called and bugged a couple of friends which kept me happy for some time. But in the evening, I couldn't stand it anymore and felt like a prisoner locked up in the room. So somehow mustered the energy, dressed like an eskimo (being ill made the cool Bangalore evening seem like frigid Antarctica) and walked (or rather crawled, if you consider the pace at which I was walking) to a nearby Cafe Coffee Day. Thank GOd you have them in every street these days. Never have to walk far to see one of them.

Never been there alone, so took a book with me. Sat down, happily ordered a Hazelnut coffee (when I drink that, I always think of my ex-roomie and good friend Neha who loved Hazelnut). The book was so awesome that I was completely oblivious to my surroundings. Well not completely oblivious.. I did notice this really cute guy who was also sitting across. He was engrossed in a book too , and we smiled at each other a couple of times. But the book was more interesting and had my attention more. After an hour or so, I walked out happily. Well not very happy coz I seriously hate the CCd for being so grossly over-priced.

Anyways, when I stepped out, I had a smile on my lips. Reading a good book is almost like having an amazing conversation. Like getting out of your world and entering a whole new world, seen through the eyes of the author. Now that's the magic of a good book. A competent author can bring alive so many different worlds, paint so many scenes in your mind, conjure up characters you can fall in love with, and make you experience a horde of different feelings. I would love to be able to do all that too.. but somehow something tells me I'm not quite ready for it yet.. but then how will I know ? Well , I guess for now, this blog of mine is good enough for all my creative literary aspirations.. but still... it's gonna happen ... and soon....

and death...

Death is a scary thought… thought of ‘Dying in a bathroom’ is just plain horrible n lil nasty.

That almost happened today morning. Woke up, killed the alarm, went back to sleep. Woke up after sometime, cursing the person who was calling me up on the phone. Brushed my teeth, switched the TV on, and went to put the heating coil thing into the bucket. I was holding it and plugged it in, without seeing that the goddamn switch was on.

Had a sudden, searing insane pain in my hand,like someone was holidng and crushing it, and the first thought which came into my over-imaginative, ‘scared-of-evil-spirits’ mind was that it was a ghost trying to kill me. In the next fraction of a second, had the horrible realization that I was being electrocuted. Tried to throw away that thing, but was stuck to my hand. Had a major panic attack. And before I knew, somehow, the plug came out of the socket, and it all stopped! It all happened in a few seconds, but felt like a long time while it was happening. The human brain can work so damn fast ?!?!

Only after a few seconds, I actually realized what had happened. Was extremely stupid of me to plug it in , while holding it, and not looking at the stupid switch. My right hand’s aching horribly , prolly to serve as a reminder t o not indulge in any such stupidity.

Also feeling pretty phiolosophical.. life is so fleeting man, can end just like that… on the road, in your bathroom, on the beach.. just in a matter of seconds… live while u can..

I’m quite spooked with how close I came to dying, but still …Very happy to be alive… 

I guess there’s someone down here who’s praying for me, and someone up there is listening.. 