Friday, January 13, 2012

What makes a relationship unhealthy…

Being a social blogger, with a decent enough readership, I think it’s my duty to also dish out gyan from time to time. Specially, when in my inner-most social circles, I see people nearing a quarter-life crisis. It’s the time of life, when you’re at the prime of life – your focus needs to be divided between your career and your private life, both of which are at crucial stages. You need to be with yourself the most at this time, concentrating on You, but it’s always better to have a wonderful cocoon of people and love around you. And happier relationships make happier people, and happy people are undoubtedly more successful.

Not that I’m an expert in this case, but this is an account of what I’ve seen, experienced and understood. There are some things that turn a relationship unhealthy, and I’m not talking about any particular relationship here.

Too close, too far:

I’ve wrecked many a friendship, just by being distant. It has never happened by design (well almost never ;) ). Sometimes you stop making an effort to keep in touch, and by the time you finally do think of them, they have stopped caring about you entirely. And the most sincere of apologies doesn’t help you much. It’s very difficult to get back what’s lost.

Perhaps more dangerous than this, is getting too close. Getting too close to someone, so much so that others seem less important and you constantly find yourself turning to that one person for everything. You are very lucky if the person is mature enough to handle this, but more often than not, the other person will feel like it’s a burden and will run away, accusing you of having too much expectations. True, it was never your intention to put pressure, but this is what happens.

Here and There:

It’s nearly impossible for two people to feel the same thing. So it becomes imperative for you to understand whether the other person is at the same place as you. If you think you’ve moved forward, and they are stuck at the same place, gently warn them; and if it’s vice-versa, I know it’s hard, but you have to kick yourself to move on too.

Expectations and Assumptions:

I’ve heard this many times – ‘Don’t expect anything from someone’. But I think it’s bullshit. If you’re human, you are bound to have expectations. But once you realize you are setting them, try to gauge the person thoroughly to see if he/she has got what it takes to fulfill them. Make sure you aren’t being unrealistic – that what you want fits into ‘normal’ and ‘humanly possible’. And if inspite of it, you find your expectations getting crashed repeatedly, maybe it’s time to move away.

Never ever assume that people can or should understand what’s going on in your head. Most of us can’t even figure out our own thoughts! Talk to them – the other person is neither a mind-reader to read your mind, nor a gorilla (hopefully!) that won’t understand when you talk about your feelings.

Even after all this, if things are still going wrong, and you feel like you are in an unhealthy relationship, decide whether you want to invest time and effort in trying to treat it, or you want to amputate.

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