Happy New Year!!

Happiness Being happy – it’s a song in your heart, a smile of ur soul, a skip in ur step

This festive season, I’ve learnt a new dimension to this wonderful word. Happiness – it’s in being with your family, being there for your family, and it’s in knowing that they are there for you too.. When everyone in your family is happy and healthy and cheerful – you don’t know the value of it until that is lost for a while and you gain it back. It’s only after a few ripples shake your boat, that you truly enjoy a smooth sail. This year, I wouldn’t have traded the hugs I gave my family for any wild, happening party.

Happiness is in getting your prayers answered. It’s a wonderful joy to know that God loves you back. To know that a guardian angel is watching out for you, that you can step into the future assured that you’ll be caught even if your steps falter.

Happiness is sharing – making someone else happy, the joy of giving. Spending time with little kids, knowing you are making a difference in their lives. Sometimes playing Santa… this reminds me - When I was a little kid, about 4-5 yrs old, there was this old man, who used to come every evening to the little park where all of us kids played, and gave us a chocolate each. Every evening, day after day, he would be there, getting chocolates out of his bag, and putting them into eager little hands. Every Christmas, when I hear about Santa, I think of him. I still remember the sweet smile on his face, when we used to gather around him, chirping away. I can now understand his happiness.

Happiness is love – the strong binding love of ur family, the cheerful warm love of your friends, the rosy blush of your first love, the silent commitment of ever-lasting love, and sometimes even the sweet memories of a love lost.

reading away to glory..

I turned the last page of the book, and read the last line. For the next couple of minutes, the story was wrapped around my head. And then suddenly, I snapped out of it. It was as if a spell over me had broken that second. I realized I was in my room, sitting in my bed, reading this book. It was cold, actually I’d been feeling cold for a long time I guess, but I was so engrossed in the book that my brain disregarded this particular signal it was receiving.

It’s true, what they say about Jeffrey Archer. He’s a magician, and his writing really does cast a spell on his readers.

I remembered vaguely that I was very angry before picking up the book, having fought with a very dear friend. I still remembered what the fight was about, but my mind was devoid of any disturbed feelings. I just felt nice. Maybe this is why they say a book is your best friend, coz isn’t this what friends r supposed to do? No matter what is troubling you, a friend can pull u out of it and take u somewhere better.

Books, (well only the good ones), take you on such wonderful journeys inside your head, that for a while, you cease to exist in the real world. This feeling is truly wonderful and cannot be described, only experienced. I’ve had it so many times, yet it constantly amazes me how mesmerized we can get by a bunch of words skillfully strung together by a master-craftsman.

I salute all the word-wizards who have created these delightful little words which we can journey through.

A FLAWED GOD – Review

This review is a part of the Book Reviews Program at BlogAdda.com. Participate now to get free books!

The beginning of the story is interesting enough - coupling intrigue with an issue easy to relate to. The protagonist Sanchit is the quintessential boy-next-cubicle, facing the concerns and predicament of a typical workplace. An under-performer aiming to excel. It is this trait of his,that pushes him to dive headlong into a mysterious adventure. Following a strange message delivered to him on a postcard, he journeys all the way to Turkey to join an elite group of individuals. Though partially skeptical and dogged by fears, he persists, spurred on by a hope of glory. In Turkey, he’s inducted into a secret society which functions on the belief that the shareholders of any company can’t really affect the working of the company, and hence should not have more power than the employees who do all the actual work.

At some places, where the functioning of the group is talked about, I was briefly reminded of the secret brotherhoods from a Dan Brown book. The story flits between past and present, which makes the narrative interesting. The first half of the book is good, but the later part of it, comes with many bizarre twists and absurd revelations. The characters you were reading about for almost 3/4th part of the book, are in reality something entirely different. I found this rather confusing, and even a little irritating. This is where a ‘slightly-weird but interesting’ tale starts becoming absurd. The book ends with a couple of Ayn-Rand type speeches (thankfully neither as heavy, nor as long) in the movie-style climax.

Like Sanchit, the other characters are pretty believable, all except a woman called Pause. There’s a senior manager with Don-Quixote like traits, and is referred to by that name throughout the book. Then there’s talkative Lokesh (aka loquacious) who evokes our sympathy, being the rather feeble link in the Sanchit-Pause-Lokesh love triangle. A Gabbar Singh style villain also has a presence, adding drama with his larger-than-life presence. A super-ambitious, manipulative lady completes the gang. The only unrealistic character is Pause. It’s not only her name that’s unusual. It’s the bizarre and baffling ideas she comes up with. She creates an impossibly complex hoax to only to convince Sanchit to see the light. But yeah, their love-story has been cleverly written into the story and is subtle and sweet.

The relevance of the pictures of the huge bull on the front cover and the little bear on the rear end becomes clear half-way thought the book. ‘The Flawed God’ is the sharemarket that’s worshipped these days, and the flaw is the way it’s structured. The power to form the strategies and agendas in a company lies with the board- that its to say, the share-holders. The author feels that this decision-making power should lie with the employees, who do all the actual work in the day-to-day functioning of the company. This would give them the freedom to set their own strategy, and the same time inculcate the feeling of responsibility in them.

The ideas presented in the book are new, and there are some funny moments in the book, but at times it’s a tedious read, and the ending, to me, was a little disappointing.

Warning - Blogger posted this in a bad mood..

Well when I’m sad about something, I talk to people. I did. Were the people inconsiderate? No. did they talk to me? Yes. Were they there for me? Yes. Did it help? No… am I still sad? Hell yes.

And now I’ve run out of people. My biggest source of comfort is asleep, and the other people, well they tried the best they could. So now I thought I’ll talk to the whole world. Well at least the part of the world with internet. So here I go..

I’m super duper sad!!! No the depressing tears-n-all kinda loser sad. Just a whiny sort of juvenile sad. The kind where you don’t really feel like doing anything. Eating yes, but I have made a huuuge promise not to eat for emotional reasons. Stupid promises!!

I tried another thing, watching re-runs of F.R.I.E.N.D.S.. sorta made me sadder. All that coffee they drink… But yes, the last episode when everyone’s crying.. that made me feel better. No, I’m not a sadist, it’s just that I took comfort from the fact that it happens to everyone. It’s ok.

And I’ll be ok too. I have a low emotional capacity (ThankGod!!) I can’t feel sad about anything for too long. I’ll get over it. Hope it’s soon.. I’m totally intolerant of sorrow. It wrecks more damage in my head than an average human. I become this hyper-active aggressive creature, that’s not fun to be with (in stark contrast to my usual ‘joy-to-be-around’ self)

In case you continued reading this post to find out what was wrong with me.. haahaa!! Like I’ll tell you, you stranger reading this blog…

And if you really are a stranger reading my blog, thank you!! It’s the no. of pageviews in the stats column that can cheer me up…

brake.. Brake! Braaaaake !! THUDD…

The first two decades of my life were blissful. I had no serious concerns. I didn’t put myself or other people in danger. And one day, I woke up and wanted to drive….

I never really gave much thought to transport. When I was little, there was always somebody to pick and drop me. After I grew up, there was public transport for the times that such a convenience was not available. Traffic, directions, routes, geography.. these things were never a concern. I was peacefully pillion. My biggest concern, while on a bike was to not fall asleep, or not to scream too loud when something came in the opposite direction. In a car, I only had to make sure I was sitting close enough to play my fav music.

And then the universe decided that things were too peaceful in the world, (splly for my dad), and it planted a desire to Drive, in my head. Two sets of driving classes, several weeks of postponing, and a bit of freaking out later, I was finally able to drive!!

It wasn’t easy. First, I had to overcome my most basic instinct (developed over 2 decades of practice) of closing my eyes and turning my head away, whenever there was a vehicle coming in the opposite direction. Second, there was this thing of eye-hand-brain co-ordination.

I’ve heard a lot of people saying “u can never forget how to ride a cycle, even after years and years of not doing it”… I have no clue, because I’ve never even thought about riding any two-wheeler, but I can say this for sure – it isn’t the same for cars. I take a month’s break, and it’s a whole new thing all over again. The freaking out, the effort to remember to not look at the gear while changing it, and finding the stupid little seat-adjuster thing.

So one day, I’m driving, in a not-so-good mood (I’m not saying this as an excuse, promise!) and I’m turning, and see this really cool bike parked next to the road. Then I drive forward, thinking about something else, and a voice inside my head said “brake.” After a split second, it screamed “Braaaake”. Somehow, my brain was the only thing responding. Not my foot, not my hand, only the screaming in the head. “hit the bloody braaaaaakeeeeeee”…..THUD!

And then it was nasty. The owner of the bike was looking like he wanted to slap me, and there were a few cops standing there (of course! Just my luck!!!). and did I panic?? I did not!!

Just flipped my phone out, called my brother and cousin. They came, put me in an auto, and took care of it. I was back where I belonged – the backseat. No stress, no effort, no danger.

That’s when I decided. No more steering. I’ll let my ‘driving’ be what it is – a Joke…

travel-bug...

I was just thinking about the books I’ve read recently – Bill Bryson’s account of his thrilling hike in the Appalachian ranges (A Walk Through The Woods), William Dalrymple’s amazing journey along the ancient Silk Route (From The Holy Mountain), and just yesterday, Shankar Roy’s adventures in Africa, amidst ferocious lions (Chander Pahar)

It’s official – I’ve been bitten by the travel bug. I’m yearning to pack my bags and go somewhere.

True, I just came back from a short trip to Bangalore, but that doesn’t count, because it’s not somewhere new. I’ve been there so much, that inspite of being geographically retarded; I can claim to actually know a lottt of places in that city. I want to go somewhere I don’t know – at all. Like that time I went to Pune – a whole new city, hitherto unknown territory. But that was a whole year ago. Im getting anxious to go travelling again.

I think my travel-fascination has its roots in my childhood. Dad has a transferable job at the bank, and we packed up and moved to a whole new place every three years! It was absolutely delightful. And while we were there, we would see all the places nearby. A vacation every summer. I’ve been almost all over India, and have had a blast everywhere!

True, my vacation stories aren’t as exciting as the ones I’ve read. I go to normal, super-civilized places, as opposed to exotic wilderness, teeming with wild beasts. I stay at comfortable hotels, armed with nothing but books and music. Food’s always served in beautiful platters, rather than hunted and roasted in the middle of a forest. However, I have enjoyed my travels and holidays as thoroughly as those guys did. I did have some accidents too, but they were all due to my clumsiness. I got lost for about 2 hours, almost-drowned in a river, was violently sick in a train, and broke my glasses countless times. A lot of my belongings are now lying at various tourist spots across India - a watch in a valley in Kulu, shoes in the middle of a sea, an ipod at a waterfall in Jharkhand, and a super loved audio cassette in a taxi at Darjeeling; to name a few. I’ve felt myself being roasted in a desert in Rajasthan, I’ve rolled about in the snow at Rohtang pass, drenched in torrential rains at Ranchi, seen mountain peaks and valleys.

And met some really wonderful people. So wonderful that they deserve a new paragraph. There have been so many, that it’s difficult to remember them all, without consulting my diary. Most notable of them is a very peaceful looking monk I met (read -looked at from a distance) at a monastery, who I was convinced was God himself. Then there was this girl I met on a train journey who was my best friend for two whole days, a tourist guide in Jharkhand I was in love with for a week, a super-funny set of twins I met while on a tour of south India, a German lady who was in India for some social-work. Not to sound cheesy or something, but their memories are all like different shades of colors on my mind’s canvas. All those conversations somehow chiseled a part of who I am.

Now there’s one place I’ve been dying to go to, for over a decade now. Andamans. Yes, people have said that there’s nothing much there, but this trip comes with a cruise in a ship. Tra-la-la!!! I’ve been wanting to be in a ship ever since I was a child. We (me n my family)had it all planned 7 years ago, but sumthing happened and we didn’t. And somehow every single year, it gets postponed. I just heard my dad n brother talking about it yesterday, so people pray for me.. at least in 2012…..

This blog post is dedicated to my good friend Ezra Raj. Ez, this long enough? :)

Everything happens for a Blog!!!

For an ardent blogger,(be it a casual blogger like me, writing about random everyday happenings, or someone who blogs for a purpose, like Seth Godin, who gives economic-gyan for lesser mortals like us) – life is nothing but a blog waiting to be written.

I have a crazy bus ride, or I take a walk in the rain,or spend New Year’s day in the airport, waiting for a delayed flight- anything happens and the cogs of my brain are working furiously, structuring sentences, with search-engine like crawlers looking up anecdotes and pertinent trivia in remote corners of my brain. The result, most of the time is a blog post. Some other times, laziness wins the battle, and the words are dumped into the vacuum called ‘nothing’.

It’s a good thing, being hooked to blogging- u never get bored!! Your brain’s constantly writing something. Even in the worst of troubles, you are somehow detached, as the words form a cushioning impact. As if you’re seeing stuff that’s happening to you from an outside perspective- kinda philosophical. Funny things are funnier, stupid people crazier, and mundane things interesting.

Hmm.. I wonder if it’ll render me autistic – u kno, inability to react to situations normally – sumthing like that dude in ‘My name is Khan’.. nyways, it’ll be worth the trouble if I start using the money making blogger tool AdSense… Alas, in this case, laziness wins!!!

Bloggers of the world- do you agree with idea put forth in the title of this post??

Stay young!!

I’ve been wondering what was missing from my life. Why was I feeling so listless recently. There was a feeling of lethargy. I had no serious problems, I was happy, I was fine. But there was a vague discomfort.

And today evening, while travelling in a super-crowded bus in the infamous Bangalore traffic, hanging on to a metal rod for dear life, I realized what it was. I was missing being young!!

I’ve been working from home for a long time now. Timely food, limitless sleep, the luxury and comfort of sitting at home, turned me into this creature of comfort. Even the little travel I did take, I made comfort my priority. I grew averse to even a little trouble. And too much of comfort is sickening!! It makes u old. Laziness creeps into your body and soul, and you can never be happy, as you don’t do anything anymore!

Today, after a long time, I resisted. Resisted the urge to do the easy thing. Waited for over 40 mins for a bus, traveled in a super crowded bus, standing halfway through the journey, and halfway sitting on the engine, while people trampled on my feet every 5 mins. And I felt soo young!! I had missed the feeling of being able to tolerate discomfort, missed hanging on to a rod, trying not to lose balance, missed the sudden smile that crept on my face, even in the midst of mayhem, when my favorite song started playing through my ear-phones.

Though my right arm is still sore, I’m thinking of the driver laughing at my attempts to put together a sentence in Kannada; the smile I exchanged with a total stranger standing next to me, when both of us were laughing at a loud-mouth aunty yelling on her phone; and the foul words which came into my head in all 3 languages that I know, whenever someone trampled on my feet. I’m feeling alive!

Bottom line- “kick your comfort zone once in a while, to stay young and be happy”.

The first time..

The first time..

While lazily munching on a burger at McDonalds, I thought about the first time I had a burger. I remember that I absolutely hated the taste. I like them now, though. Actually I had a burger-addiction 3 months back, and I’m still paying for it on the treadmill. Sigh!

This apparently random thought, made me think of other ‘Firsts’.

The First time I was on an aeroplane. It was a decade ago or so, and I remember being super-excited about it. However, the first half an hour was wasted in trying to put on my seat-belt.

The other time was when I played in snow for the first time. It was at Rohtang pass, and it still is one of the best places I’ve visited. It was a fantastic sight, looking at the snow-covered peaks, stepping into the white, white world. Being bundled up against the freezing tempeature, with my breath coming out in wisps of white. But you know what? The snow isn’t as soft as it looks, specially when you fall flat into it, face-first.

I also remember the first time I was at a beach. I was fascinated to see so much water! And that fascination still continues after all these years. The eternal rhythm of the waves – I could go on watching it for hours. Oh how I long to go on a cruise and spend days just floating away on the sea.

A lot of other thoughts came rushing to me, but the best was the incredible feeling of having a crush – the heady rush, the grin that doesn’t leave your face, the hot flush on your face when you look at that special someone. The best part is, this wonderful feeling isn’t restricted to the first crush! 

Rain, auto and an evil grin :D

Buy The Secret Of The Nagas from Flipkart.com




I love the question " why haven't u updated your blog lately?"
It is soooo encouraging. Ppl want to hear my thoughts. :)

My blog may have only a few followers, but I'm proud to say they are all loyal supporters. Well except for a particular yawner, but I'm trudging on, refusing to let him deter me.

The monsoons have set in, and it's a wonderful time of the year. Pleasant, lazy and extremely delightful. The earthy smell, the splashing water drops, colorful umbrellas and lots of hot spicy junk food. But I've recently discovered that people on a diet can enjoy the rains too. Just replace the chat with chai, and the samosa with a salad. Throw in a slow song or two, and aaah , heaven!!

Yesterday evening, it also made me feel as smug as a cheshire cat. I was travelling in the city and it started raining heavily. It is good to get drenched, but not while you are stuck in a traffic jam. I was happily seated in an auto and it gave me a few moments of evil pleasure to look at 2 poor souls waiting irritatedly in discomfort while the rain poured down their necks. Ha ha! sometimes sitting in a mud-splattered dirty auto is better than an insanely-expensive sexy looking, red shiny bike.

Call it fate, but at that exact moment, my ipod sang.. " ab ke saawan , aise barse..."

Pingg!

If you’ve spent a good time with someone, and have fond memories of them with you, talking to them can brighten up the darkest of your days....

After a horrendous local-train commute in scorching hot summer, having my toes stepped on by spiked heels of a wretched female, heckled by greedy auto guys, I reached office; and there I encountered a rude ill-mannered colleague. Tears of frustration were brimming in my eyes, when suddenly there was a ‘ping’ , and gmail flashed “Raghunath Sai says..”

My childhood buddy had pinged me just when I needed a friend. And then, for the first time that day, I smiled. As I continued to chat with my buddy-since-one-n-a-half-decade, the world was alright again.

timeless..

A lot of things will change in life.. We will grow apart, we’ll grow old, we’ll die, we’ll fade away..


But these bunch of happy kids in the pic will always be happy. Forever. In the pic.
They’ll all have a hand on their shoulder, reassuring them. They’ll be sitting in that goofy pose pretending to be a train, a train frozen in a mid-second before getting derailed. :P

Celebrating being young and care-free, celebrating the great outdoors, celebrating being together.

Temple or Tomb?

Taj mahal-

I lived in Agra for 3 years when I was a kid. Visited the Taj Mahal countless times, and every time it looked more beautiful, more awe-inspiring. I remember asking my mom if I could buy those tiny replicas of the wonderful monument they sold almost everywhere in Agra. Mom refused. “We can’t have a mausoleum in the house”, she said, with a frown on her face.

I agreed with the logic, mausoleums represent dead people, why would I want it in the house. Years later however, I found out that the beautiful Taj is not a mausoleum, and moreover, it was a temple!!

A temple for Lord Shiva, no less.
There was this book written by Prof.P.N. Oak.. who says there are a couple of locked rooms one of which has a beheaded statue of Lord Shiva, and points out the architectural motifs like ‘OM’ carved into the flowers and the pinnacle of the tomb shaped like a ‘kalash’.

for more information, check this link:

Taj Mahal

I wondered why this story didn’t come out and make huge news, especially in a country where every silly little thing becomes a breaking story. On the other hand, if this does become an issue, what are the repercussions going to be – another Babri masjid like bloodshed? Though it is outrageous that a temple was seized by force and turned into a tomb, is it worth fighting over something that happened centuries ago?

We’ll never know for sure whether it’s Tejo Mahalaya, the grand Hindu temple, or Taj Mahal , a Muslim queen’s tomb, but its beauty will forevermore be etched in the minds of humanity.

Temple.. tomb.. whatever.. best to let it remain in peace!

random

Vacuum: the place where emotions cease, ambition fades and dreams evaporate. Mind goes absolutely blank, nothing ever matters.
It happens when you can’t go forward on the path you’ve chosen for yourself. Your confidence shatters and you steps falter. And just before you fall, your brain commands you to stop. And your existence is suspended in the emptiness of the heart.

It’s not sorrow, nor depression on any sort… it’s just vacuum.

Human divinity

How can one person influence thousands of minds? Not for a day or a week, but enough to make crowds of people to devote their entire lives for a particular cause? Such astounding power can only be attributed to something divine.

For ages man had been in the quest to find the philosopher’s stone, the magical element which can turn metal into gold. Well, there walked among us for 86 years, a living manifestation of the philosopher’s stone- the man who could turn a normal heart into a heart of gold, a heart full of compassion and care. While some people were engaged in useless debates regarding his “miracles”, others recognized his greatest miracle- transforming people- into better human beings, who contributed to the betterment of mankind, through devotion, discipline and service.

The extra-ordinary nature of life he lived can be witnessed in the tears millions worldwide were shedding after he ceased to be. Even I, who was a skeptic until very recently, was deeply disturbed by the news. It’s not everyday that such a great soul visits this earth.

Hopefully, we all can imbibe a little of his preaching and message, and, in our little ways, help the world. Start living a clean, good life. Strive each day to become a better human being.

Klock.....tok- klock.......tok

How wide is the line which separates a fashionista from a geek? Are there any gaps in the line? Does that explain the set of us, who keep dancing on either side of it, from here to there?

I don’t wear make-up. Never get my hair “done” before going somewhere, except for that one disaster which left me looking like I was wearing a bad wig pasted flat across my scalp( in stark contrast to my wild messy tresses). I’ve been too lazy to bother about things like fashion and style.

However, things started changing sumwhere sometime. I started noticing the hot apparel, the gorgeous handbags, and the extra-ordinary hair-dos, when the exquisite creatures go klock-tok klock-tok in the malls. I started spending time ogling at the L’Oreal and Lakme stalls.Yea, been through these phases before. Random lipsticks and glosses and others shiny things bear testimony to this, lying discarded in my room, collecting dust, waiting for their inevitable destiny- the bin. And stilettos?, well.. my feet punish me cruelly if I ever dare to encase them in any sexy/beautiful high-heeled contraptions.

I was pulled into this mood again yesterday as I strolled around in a mall, waiting for a friend with whom I was to watch a movie. She was late by 45 mins, and while rambling, that sweet voice of shopping beckoned me again. But before the L’oreals or Pantaloons could lure me, a stronger voice called. If the former calls was pleasing, the latter one was a magnetic pull. Crossword… the magical land of books, the most delightful things on this planet.

And thus I went inside, wide-eyed, mesmerized and totally hooked.

Almost 40 mins later I left the place, carrying a bagful of books, which would not transform me from a bespectacled, plain-jane into a klock-tok fashionista, but would give me hours of happiness and escape into delightful little worlds.

Yes.. I’m a geek. Certified.

to 'B' or not to 'B'

There’s a thin line between right and wrong. Sometimes, we over-step it, cross over to the wrong side and then, very conveniently erase the line and draw it over again.

Your mind gets conditioned into believing certain things as you grow up. The family you’ve grown up with, the friends you ‘ve hung out with and the environment you’ve experienced around you shapes your mind. Sometimes, these may be bloody contradictory and that’s where YOU get confused.

You’re from a family where drinking is a huge sin, and then almost everybody in your friend circle does. You pick up the glass n stare it.. grin at your friends and put it down.

Next time, they coax you into having a sip.. you do.. then it feels ok. You go back home and freak out.. “What have I done!!?” you call up a friend who belongs to this side of the line (the non-drinkers) and they push you deeper into the guilt stream. “ you had alcohol!!.. I don’t know who u are, anymore!”

You stay away frm alcohol for a long, long time. Meanwhile, you see life on the other side, people going high, having “oh so much FUN!!” boozing. Again the pendulum swings between “ no way! I’ll never touch it” to “what the hell.. it might be fun”

You hit a disturbing period in your life, where nothing, absolutely nothing is going your way.. and one day you hit the pub with your closest friends whom you trust more than anything and happily swig vodka and dance your head off… but this time when you get home, you are wiser and call another friend, one who thinks drinking is every human being’s birthright… and go to sleep with a smile.. yes.. I’ve done it!!.

But then again … a glance at someone from the other side.. Confusion continues…. ‘it’s ok.. no it’s not… what’s the big deal.. it’s against your character!!”

Is this what they mean when they say.. “Identity crisis??!!?”

One day you wake up thinking it’s just another normal day. You’ll wake up, work, shirk some work and go to bed. Yet another uneventful day in an uneventful-so-far life. But well, not to be. This day shatters your dreams, make you feel utterly thoroughly useless, snatches away your happiness, scares you, threatens you , and disgusts you. The you start wondering if there’s something really bad about you and if that is the reason all these bad things happen.
Your mind and soul keep getting wrecked over n over again , until you begin to wonder if you will heal enough to dream again. You know that talking about this is not going to help in anyway, and you continue to plaster that fake brave smile on your face and behave as if nothing is wrong; as if you are not dying inside. The darkness is terrifying and you slowly feel yourself getting lost in it.

Then suddenly, call it divine intervention, or just the way you are made, you snap.

Snap completely. It stops hurting so bad. You are actually able to smile, the scream of anguish inside your head stops and you don’t need to make an effort to breathe. The fact that no one else is going to help you, inexplicably makes you tap the courage inside your heart which you never knew existed, and you know that you will help yourself. That you are brave enough to do so and smart enough to know how to. You change your current environment and the morose, toxic energy that was surrounding you dissolves and is replaced by positivity and hope. New ambition replaces the pieces of shattered dreams, and you backtrack your steps away from the dead-end and seek a new path which will eventually lead you to your destiny which lies in wait for your footsteps.